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msclemons
07-30-2010, 02:34 AM
Some silly jokes I got in an e-mail today. What the heck, it's off-topic.

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a Christmas gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

================


My wife and I were watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have sex?'
'No,' she answered.
I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying 'Yes.'
So I said, 'Then I'd like to phone a friend.'

And that's when the fight started...

================

I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Miller Light for $14.95.
Instead, she bought a jar of cold cream for $7.95. I told her the beer
would make her look better at night than the cold cream.

And that's when the fight started......

================

I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first...
'I'll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.'
He said, 'Aren't you worried about the mad cow?'
'Nah, she can order for herself.'

And that's when the fight started.....
================

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her a scale.

That's when the fight started..

================

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school
reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as
he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, 'Do you know him?'

'Yes,' she sighed, ' He's my old boyfriend...
I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago and
I hear he hasn't been sober since.'
'My God!' I said, 'who would think a
person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started...

Colts01
07-30-2010, 11:26 PM
I showed my wife this thread...
And then the fight started!

msclemons
07-31-2010, 12:20 AM
I'll add that one to the list Colts, lol.

brauneyz
07-31-2010, 12:20 AM
A man and his wife are having dinner in a restaurant, when in walks a male acquaintance, accompanied by his mistress. The wife is aghast and proceeds to wail on him. Her husband tells her that a divorce would cost the spouse her house, the pension, the 401K, retirement, and country club membership.

She looks at her husband, smiles and says, "Oh, ours is prettier.

Share with your wife and start a fight. :)

Andy Freeland
07-31-2010, 12:31 AM
My favorite joke:

2 older couples are having breakfast.
1st man: "We went to the best restaurant last night".
2nd man: "What was the name of it?"
1st man: "I have such a bad memory. What's that flower called? You know, it's red."
2nd man: "Carnation?"
1st man: "No, it has thorns"
2nd man: "rose?"
1st man: "That's it." turns to his wife "Hey Rose, what was the name of that restaurant."

and, I suppose, that's when the fight started.

Kosar19
07-31-2010, 01:43 AM
Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway light on.

And that's when the fight started

Pruitt
07-31-2010, 11:47 AM
I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.

And that's when the fights start.

bluestree
07-31-2010, 02:22 PM
"Darling" says a husband coyly to his wife: "let's swap positions tonight". "What a good idea" she replies, "you stand in front of the ironing board, and I'll sit in front of the TV and fart".

And that's when the fight started.

Off the topic of the off topic; "Marriage changes passion................suddenly you're in bed with a relative."

Four Catholic men and a Catholic woman were having coffee when one of the Catholic men tells his friends, "My son is a priest, when he walks into a room, everyone calls him 'Father'."

The second Catholic man chirps, "My son is a Bishop. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Grace'."

The third Catholic gent says, "My son is a Cardinal. When he enters a room everyone says 'Your Eminence'."

The fourth Catholic man then says, "My son is the Pope. When he walks into a room people call him 'Your Holiness'."

Since the lone Catholic woman was sipping her coffee in silence, the four men give her a subtle, "Well....?"

She proudly replies, "I have a daughter, slim, tall, 38D breast, 24" waist and 34" hips. When she walks into a room, people say, "Oh - My - God."

ScottDCP
07-31-2010, 05:58 PM
I am getting married in October. I think I'll be erasiing this page from my browser history.

Andy Freeland
07-31-2010, 06:16 PM
I am getting married in October. I think I'll be erasiing this page from my browser history.

I'm guessing it won't be the only one.

ScottDCP
07-31-2010, 06:45 PM
I'm guessing it won't be the only one.

Aaahhh. Well. Yeah. I think the most accurate verb tense is 'will not have been'. It's amazing what can be done with andby a computer. I spend a lot more time dancing these days. Way safer, and it leaves me too tired to get in trouble. Bonus: she looves to dance.

Kosar19
07-31-2010, 10:28 PM
I am getting married in October. I think I'll be erasiing this page from my browser history.

If you're lucky (and I consider myself that), she's a woman who undestands your sports obsessions, gets who you actually are, and will actuall find these jokes funny.
Best of luck, it's the best decision I ever made.

Kosar19
07-31-2010, 10:30 PM
On that note, a guy I used to work with told me before I got married "Put a quarter in a jar everytime you're intimate the first year of marriage, and take a dollar out everytime after the first year. The jar will never be empty."......Then again, that's probably a good way to get to "and that's when the fight started."

BayouBoys
08-02-2010, 03:26 AM
This is great. The joke about the catholic woman's daughter is priceless.