• Hadron Collider Destroys The Universe


    GENEVA, SWITZERLAND - Government officials have now confirmed that a chain reaction, set off by CERN's Large Hadron Collider, abruptly and unexpectedly destroyed the universe earlier today. Official numbers aren't available, but some estimates have the death toll in the billions, making this one of the worst disasters, either natural or man-made, in recorded history.

    In an official statement released just hours after the incident, CERN (European Organization for Nuclear Research) V.P. of Public Relations Junious Buchanan said that "although we knew that destruction of the Earth was possible, even probable, destruction of the entire universe was not something that we considered at all likely." The same statement said that CERN, which could face severe fines, was "really, really, really sorry" and that they would "do everything in our power to make this right." CERN officials were unavailable for further comment.

    Immediately after the Ginormous Hadron Collider (GHC) was turned on, several small black holes spontaneously appeared within the GHC. Lenny Moore of Baltimore, MD was watching the experiment through CERN's 49th street 'viewing window', "At first I didn't realize that they were black holes, cause they were sort of a really dark green. Then I noticed that light was unable to escape from them, and I knew we was in deep (expletive)." Believing that the black holes were contained, scientists didn't immediately activate the argon suppression system, which would have suffocated them before they got out of control. The small black holes, described by scientists as "sort of like inside-out tornadoes", combined into one super black hole and quickly overwhelmed facility.

    Various government agencies are scrambling to assess the damage, but FEMA spokesman Fritz Pollard admits that the agency is simply not prepared to handle an evacuation of this size or scale. Meanwhile, former residents are left to wonder what happens next. "Where do we go?" asked mother of three and long-time universe resident Marion Motley. "This is the only home I've ever known." Columbia University physics professor Sid Luckman admits that the destruction of the entire universe is "something from which we, as a society, may never fully recover."

    Comments 22 Comments
    1. brauneyz's Avatar
      I hope you're getting paid by the giggles Freeland. Pure gold, or black, as the case may be.
    1. wxwax's Avatar
      Y'all probably already know this, but when they set off the first atomic bomb, some scientists had the same concern. No-one was absolutely sure that detonating an atomic weapon wouldn't set off a chain reaction and destroy the earth.

      I read last week that the Hadron is so sensitive that it's affected by the proximity of the moon, by the level of nearby Lake Geneva and by passing high speed trains.
    1. Andy Freeland's Avatar
      Quote Originally Posted by wxwax View Post
      Y'all probably already know this, but when they set off the first atomic bomb, some scientists had the same concern. No-one was absolutely sure that detonating an atomic weapon wouldn't set off a chain reaction and destroy the earth.
      That's one of my favorite stories. The first time an atom was split no one was sure exactly how much energy would be released. There was a theory that it would release enough energy to split the next atom and, as you said, start a chain reaction that would destroy the entire planet. But they did it anyway. Cool.
    1. Polishguy00's Avatar
      I prefer the complete destruction of everything over time, though I love this spoof of a real event. I'm a big entropy fan. Hence the Carlin love I have, too.
    1. wxwax's Avatar
      Entropy has robbed my life of purpose. I mean, what's the point?
    1. BuckeyeRidley's Avatar
      LOL! I don't know what's goin on here but Thanks Andy. LOL!
    1. brauneyz's Avatar
      A hydrogen atom lost its electron and went to the police station to file a missing electron report. He was questioned by the police: "Haven't you just misplaced it somewhere? Are you sure that your electron is really lost?"
      "I'm positive." replied the atom.
    1. BuckeyeRidley's Avatar
      Quote Originally Posted by brauneyz View Post
      A hydrogen atom lost its electron and went to the police station to file a missing electron report. He was questioned by the police: "Haven't you just misplaced it somewhere? Are you sure that your electron is really lost?"
      "I'm positive." replied the atom.
      LOL! Sweet! Its like we're in the Twilight Zone and this is completely normal including the fact that this isn't on the front page articles. LOL! Appreciate it B. Thanks, Thanks Andy.
    1. GoBigOrGoHome's Avatar
      Wait. The universe was destroyed?

      How did I miss that?
    1. wxwax's Avatar
      That's what happens when you spend your days burying dead hookers in the back yard.
    1. Andy Freeland's Avatar
      Quote Originally Posted by wxwax View Post
      That's what happens when you spend your days burying dead hookers in the back yard.
      In fairness, not all of the hookers he buries are dead.
    1. GoBigOrGoHome's Avatar
      True. In my spare time I own & operate a believed-to-be-dead-hooker zombie farm. Quite the little enterprise.
    1. SpartaChris's Avatar
      Quote Originally Posted by wxwax View Post
      That's what happens when you spend your days burying dead hookers in the back yard.
      And doing blow. Don't forget the blow.
    1. wxwax's Avatar
      Quote Originally Posted by GoBigOrGoHome View Post
      True. In my spare time I own & operate a believed-to-be-dead-hooker zombie farm. Quite the little enterprise.
      The French call an orgasm "la petite mort", the little death.

      Are you French?
    1. Trumpetbdw's Avatar
      I spend one evening at a baseball game watching my first place Buccos fall from the ranks of first place, and I come back to find that my universe has already collapsed around me?

      Sounds about right...
    1. mikesteelnation1's Avatar
      Quote Originally Posted by GoBigOrGoHome View Post
      True. In my spare time I own & operate a believed-to-be-dead-hooker zombie farm. Quite the little enterprise.
      Gbghk27h???
    1. darvon's Avatar
      Do you think that the Hadron Collider and the recent Zombie Apocolypse announced by the CDC are related?

      If so, and this IS the end of times, I am buying Lion tickets for the Superbowl now, before the rush.
    1. GoBigOrGoHome's Avatar
      Quote Originally Posted by mikesteelnation1 View Post
      Gbghk27h???
      Oh, it's more than that.
    1. darvon's Avatar
      N.F.L. Roundup - NYTimes
      Response to Rumors of Destruction of the Universe
      By THE ASSOCIATED PRESS
      Published: June 12, 2012

      Earlier today the NFL made a public response to Internet rumors of the destruction of the Universe.

      Supposedly caused by attempts to the create the so-called "God Particle" some scientists were fearful of engaging the Collider in what some thought to be reckless experiments in the unknown.


      In a statement released from National Football League headquarters in New York by League spokesman Greg Aeillo,

      "The NFL strongly rebuts the rumors from the Large Hadron Collider on Twitter and other speculative Internet media about the destruction of the Universe.

      NFL Commissioner Goodell emphatically denies Collusion occurred."
    1. Polishguy00's Avatar
      Scientists hired by the NFL have also stated that they have studies that, in fact, say the Hadron Collider is what is responsible for the head trauma caused to former players. After all, it is a "Collider." The NFL is just a group of 32 seperate entities that collectively bargain.