• No Teams Will Make the Playoffs: A Pessimist's View

    by
    msclemons
    Published on 07-20-2012 01:53 AM
    19 Comments Comments
    Our naive and Pollyanna-ish site admin predicts that all 32 (okay, 31) teams can make the playoffs. He tried to show us that the crappy teams of the league could make the playoffs with some descriptions of unicorns pooping rainbows.

    I disagree. In fact, I'm fairly certain that no teams will make the playoffs.

    Consider last years playoff entrants:

    NY Giants: 9-7, wouldn't even get a wild card most years. The defense allowed the most points of any SB contestant in the history of ever. Tom Coughlin will be on the hot seat by week 4 as they cruise to another 9-7 season.

    NE Patriots: Their entire pass rush left during the off-season. The defensive backfield is a failed quarterback and not much else. The offense consists of Farah Fawcett and a porn star.

    SF 49ers: Alex Smith is still the quarterback. "The upper limit of the offense is defined by the quarterback" - Bill Walsh. Regression to the mean will kill this team.

    Baltimore Ravens: Cam Cameron is still the offensive coordinator. For giggles, check out Rivers' and Brees' stats with Cameron and post Cameron. They lost Terrel Suggs and paid Ray Rice. The recent history of RBs getting paid is not good.

    New Orleans Saints: Bounty-gate, no Sean Payton and the only decent player on defense is gone for the year.

    Houston Texans: They let half of their excellent offensive line go and their best players can't go two games without pulling a hamstring.

    Green Bay Packers: Actually had an off-season this year. As we saw last year, they're better without OTAs. Also, McCarthy was involved in the decision to draft Alex Smith so we know he's an idiot.

    Denver Broncos: They traded god. Seriously, that's some bad karma.

    Detroit Lions: Is anyone on the team NOT stoned? Or concussed? Or both? Luckily, Jim Schartz is preparing for the 49ers rematch


    Pittsburgh Steelers: Tomlin is busy filming a sequel to House. Harrison has been suspended for the season for kissing a baby.

    Atlanta Falcons: The Giants showed everyone on the planet how to defend the Falcons. Just get out of the way and watch them hang themselves.

    Cincinnati Bengals: Still owned by Mike Brown. Have not had two playoff seasons in a row since Cris Collinsworth was playing (back during the French-Indian War).

    As you can see, there will be no playoff teams this year. All of our teams suck.

    Comments 19 Comments
    1. GoBigOrGoHome's Avatar
      Detroit Lions: Is anyone on the team NOT stoned? Or concussed? Or both? Luckily, Jim Schartz is preparing for the 49ers rematch
      Hey now! Nick Marley, Mikel LeSmoke and Johnny Ganjabreath would like a word with you after Fourthmeal. Don't worry, Joe Cullen is driving. Not to be alarmed. He's always sober. And fully clothed. Promise.

      You're right. The Schwartz has been in training for HandshakeGate II. My son outgrew these a few years ago so I gladly donated them to the coach's cause:



      Word on the street has him graduating from Thing Hands to Hulk Hands. Beware, Jim Harbaugh. You wouldn't like The Schwartz when he's angry.
      Reply
    1. GoBigOrGoHome's Avatar
      At least you don't have to face off against Jahvid Bust. He left the party when he suffered an evening-ending popcorn kernel in between two teeth. You're lucky, too. That's one rough dude.
      Reply
    1. Andy Freeland's Avatar
      For giggles, check out Rivers' and Brees' stats with Cameron and post Cameron.
      True, but Cleo Lemon has his 'best' year under Cam in Miami..
      Reply
    1. Rich Gapinski's Avatar
      Quote Originally Posted by GoBigOrGoHome View Post
      At least you don't have to face off against Jahvid Bust. He left the party when he suffered an evening-ending popcorn kernel in between two teeth. You're lucky, too. That's one rough dude.
      I keep telling you, they should have melded Kevid Bith together two years ago.
      Reply
    1. Pruitt's Avatar
      Weeden-Mania is coming.

      Since these teams won't be in the playoffs, you could be one of the first to board the big brown bus to the bowl!
      Reply
    1. darvon's Avatar
      True, but Cleo Lemon has his 'best' year under Cam in Miami..
      I loved him in the Globetrotters...
      Reply
    1. bluestree's Avatar
      NY Giants: 9-7, wouldn't even get a wild card most years. The defense allowed the most points of any SB contestant in the history of ever. Tom Coughlin will be on the hot seat by week 4 as they cruise to another 9-7 season.
      Why the one non-satirical post?
      Reply
    1. iwatt's Avatar
      Quote Originally Posted by bluestree View Post

      Why the one non-satirical post?
      :-) ftw
      Reply
    1. brauneyz's Avatar
      Wait! Clem works here now, too? National employment is down, but it's popping at FP(L).

      Yes, we love our Farrah and porn star. You're just jealous you don't get that channel.


      Awesome work Clemster - but you'll always be MuscleMan to me! Don't let mgmt. force you to work under an assumed name just because Greenland is still underrepresented here.
      Reply
    1. Curtis's Avatar
      Quote Originally Posted by Pruitt View Post
      Weeden-Mania is coming.

      Since these teams won't be in the playoffs, you could be one of the first to board the big brown bus to the bowl!
      We want WEED! We want WEED!
      Reply
    1. iwatt's Avatar
      Quote Originally Posted by Curtis View Post
      We want WEED! We want WEED!
      We're back talking Lions?
      Reply
    1. Curtis's Avatar
      Quote Originally Posted by iwatt View Post
      We're back talking Lions?
      HAHAHA!! Good one.
      Reply
    1. DaBearsFan's Avatar
      Thanks clem. Clearly, if none of these teams can make the playoffs, I can only assume that this means the Chicago Bears are winning the Super Bowl. Cancel the season people, let's just start the parade right now.
      Reply
    1. GoBigOrGoHome's Avatar
      Quote Originally Posted by Rich Gapinski View Post
      I keep telling you, they should have melded Kevid Bith together two years ago.
      One more injury to #25 and it will have to be Mikelvid BithShoure.
      Reply
    1. msclemons's Avatar
      Quote Originally Posted by brauneyz View Post
      Wait! Clem works here now, too? National employment is down, but it's popping at FP(L).
      I worked here last year! Obviously you never read my Top 10 articles - hrmph!
      Reply
    1. brauneyz's Avatar
      Quote Originally Posted by msclemons View Post
      I worked here last year! Obviously you never read my Top 10 articles - hrmph!
      I most certainly did to! It's just with all these new-fangled upgrades and Sybil wannabees cluttering up the joint I've lost track of to whom exactly I'm supposed to email my quarters. Or do I pay you in virtual dinners? I'm so confused.
      Reply
    1. Andy Freeland's Avatar
      Quote Originally Posted by brauneyz View Post
      I'm so confused.
      But confused works for you.
      Reply
    1. BuckeyeRidley's Avatar
      LOL! Nice last line for the Patriots. As for my Saints, I think they will get away with a winning record and no worse than 7-9. I don't sense the bottom will fall out on them even though that's what it looks like. That coaching team better be ready. Numerous obstacles to get over.
      Reply
    1. Cris Collinsworth's Avatar
      The French and Indians were fighting when I was in the league and nobody told me.....I have to quit reading football pros.
      Reply