• Top 10...Bottom 5: Week Twelve

    Week twelve, a.k.a. Thanksgiving week, gave us a couple of extra Thursday games, that, unfortunately, weren't very competitive. The regular Sunday games saw several close games that were decided by a single score. On a personal note, my decision to spend Thursday and Sunday watching football means I was on the receiving end of the week's only shutout. In honor of Turkey Day, this week: the Jets get stuffed, the Packers get rolled, it's all gravy in Houston, and the real turkeys are the wearing Chiefs uniforms. Here we go.


    1. Houston-Two overtime wins in 5 days? Like me after eating Thanksgiving dinner at three locations, they need a nap.
    2. San Francisco-Somewhere in California, Clem has called into work for the week so he can keep celebrating that Kaepernick is the new QB. On a side note: I hope Alex Smith keeps walking around with his helmet on at all times, and not just on the field, but at home too.
    3. Atlanta-Won a big divisional game against a hot opponent on the road in a close game. It's gotta count for something.
    4. Denver-Fell behind to KC before Brady Quinn realized...he's Brady Quinn.
    5. New England-Their Tecmo Bowl 2nd quarter alone would have been enough to beat every team this week except 2.
    6. Chicago-Miami looks dumber and dumber with every Brandon Marshall catch.
    7. Green Bay Packers-The Packers should just submit a list to the league of player's who AREN'T injured. It'd be shorter.
    8. Baltimore-This might be the worst 9-2 I've ever seen. Got lucky again.
    9. Cincinnati-A sweet victory over Carson Palmer, their 3rd straight and they're back in the wildcard hunt.
    10. New York-The Giants apparently used their bye week wisely. Sorry Green Bay.


    Indianapolis-Stand up if you predicted the Colts would be in the driver's seat for a wildcard at this point...and get the heck out of here because you're a liar.
    Redskins-Probably won't make the playoffs, but I'm not sure there's a more fun team to watch.


    28. San Diego-Now THAT'S how you give a game away. Well done. The saddest part? Can't even blame that on Norv. D'oh!
    29. Jacksonville-The mustache formerly known as Chad Henne is a defensive collapse against Houston away from being 2-0, which surely means the world is ending.
    30. Oakland-Well Mr. Palmer. You wanted the Raiders? You got 'em.
    31. Philadelphia-They should fire Andy Reid and hire Juan Castillo. That's poetic justice. If I was Castillo, I'd be laughing and partying my @#* off. Maybe he's with Clem.
    32. Kansas City-At this point, I'd replace those paper bags on my head with plastic ones. Jeez.

    MVPs of the Week

    Robert Griffin III-Saying RGIII is athletic is like saying Stephen Hawking is smart.
    Colin Kaepernick-If you're in a fantasy league where he's still available...well, then you're in a league with a bunch of idiots.
    Cam Newton-Hmmm, maybe we should stop being biased against athletic QBs in the draft. DRAFT GENO SMITH!!

    Goats of the Week

    Chargers defense-4th and 29? Really? Am I the only one hearing Benny Hill music when the replay shows?
    Pittsburgh running backs-They put more balls on the ground than a scissor-happy veterinarian.
    Chargers defense-More bad angles on that play than my high-school Geometry homework. Yes, I know I already mentioned them, but holy crap, that was terrible.

    Comments 10 Comments
    1. mikesteelnation1's Avatar
      That 4th and 29 play and the chargers d probably weren't brought up enough Vance.

      My god, that was one of the worst executed downs that could have ended the game ever. Rice got all 29 on the ground (28 I believe). How can 8 guys not react and somehow make a stop when they have nearly a THIRD the FIELD to do so?? You alluded to it, poor pursuit angles and NO ONE UNDERSTANDING keeping contain... Add to that a poorly called coverage by sd. How were there almost no sd players between the los and the first down marker when flaccid dumped that ball off?? {Great idea} giving Baltimore's best offensive player room to work..

      I almost called homer on the Bengals at #9, but then I thought about it. Right now, on their hot streak coupled with the not so hot streaks of the others clumped together, it's not so far off. Still hoping I wake up tomorrow and the last 2 weeks were a cruel nightmare
    1. msclemons's Avatar
      How is Brandon Moore's ass not an honorable mention?
    1. wxwax's Avatar
      Also, the sprinklers in Miami.

      Clem, NFL Net is running "A Football Life" doc on Eddie DeBartolo. I caught the end and it looks pretty good.
    1. iwatt's Avatar
      Bears and Packers are in a race to see who can loose more starters on their OL. The learning curve in Chicago is quicker though, cause you don't need to learn protection schemes.
    1. hobbes27's Avatar
      How is the Jesters giving up 21 points in less than a minute not mentioned in the Goats of the Week?
    1. Pruitt's Avatar
      Pittsburgh running backs-They put more balls on the ground than a scissor-happy veterinarian.
      32. Kansas City-At this point, I'd replace those paper bags on my head with plastic ones. Jeez.
      Double Bam! Classic lines.

      The Geno Atkins sweepstakes may already have been won by the Chiefs, but the game in Oakland could also help determine who wins the Smith derby.

      Oh and Matt Ryan is 2 years younger than Brandon Weeden.
    1. brauneyz's Avatar
      Great write up, Vance. One of your funniest yet. If you could figure out a Rex/Tebow/Sanchize Turducken thing, I 'd say you'd have a keeper.

      Thanks again for the chuckles.
    1. iwatt's Avatar
      Yeah, this was hit all the funny buttons.
    1. vancemeek's Avatar
      Thanks guys. I was high on turkey. It gave me my super hilarity powers.

      Brauneyz, I had a Jets/Rex/Sanchez joke ready, but realized there was no need to go past the first 4 letters in Turducken.
    1. Rich Gapinski's Avatar
      Nicely done, sir. For hilarity, I just go to the same club as Lindsay Lohan.