Love is a funny thing. It is versatile enough to be something that can be real and imaginary at the same time. Sometimes it is never shown even when it exists. Sometimes it goes unrequited. Sometimes the person you love leaves you in the middle of the dance only to kiss the captain of the football team. Love can be shy and it can be promiscuous. So, for this Valentine’s Day, we will take a look at who or what each team loves in the NFL.
1) Mario Williams, DE. This is a fleeting love, but it was not long ago when the team loved him enough to give him a huge commitment. Unfortunately, Williams seemed just get comfortable after his extravagant gifts. He moved in and stopped doing all those romantic things during courtship. The Bills feel as if they are trapped, but they still have fond memories of those magical first few dates.
1) Ryan Tannehill’s Girlfriend. Tannehill the QB had a reasonable rookie year, but sometimes it pays to become friends with someone close to who you really want. Her looks fit perfectly with the sun of Miami. So many marketing opportunities.
2) Cameron Wake, LB. He has 43 sacks in 4 years and exactly the kind of player that every modern NFL team needs.
1)Tom Brady, QB. This one is obvious, but Patriots management is like their female fans in that they want to have like ten million of his babies. Brady can run any classic offense for a pocket quarterback and has signed a cap friendly contract in the past. It really is a match made in heaven.
2) An Offensive Line. Love must be protected.
1) Misery. They thought they loved Mark Sanchez, but his little missteps during their relationship have grown into full-fledged problems. They think he might be cheating on them, but they are another team who feels like they have to stick with it a while longer. The team is just getting by financially and Sanchez is a drain who sits around trying to invent new types of Doritos Tacos and leaves his boogers in the couch cushions. They are going to have to get rid of some of the stuff in the apartment just to pay for Mark and the habits of his annoying friends(Santonio). It’s hard to fit a lot of people into a crappy New York apartment.
1) Terrell Suggs, LB. With the end of Ray Lewis a reality, the Ravens have to love anybody left on the defense that will remind them of the dominance the team had for the last decade or so.
2) Ray Lewis, LB. He may no longer be part of the team anymore, but he will never be forgotten. He passed away after saving some orphans in the Atlantic Ocean while the team celebrated his final acts on the field. There will be a statue in his honor. Management will leave flowers at his feet for years.
3) Joe Flacco, QB. Flacco tried to make the team love him for years and kept pestering them to just give him a chance. In early January, the team finally said yes when they found out they were going to have to get over Ray Lewis. Now, both parties are in the honeymoon phase in the relationship, but word has it that Flacco wants an expensive commitment.
1) A.J. Green, WR. What’s not to love? He is always giving gifts and is trying to impress. It doesn’t even feel like this is being done because of an overcompensation for anything. He really is that good of a guy.
1) Joe Thomas, LT. The former Wisconsin Badger is everything anyone could love. He is their rock, their anchor, their best friend. They once thought it was weird that he would go fishing with his family on the day they were supposed to meet, but now the Browns have built many fond memories with Joe.
1) Ben Roethlisberger, QB. This has been a rocky relationship at times, but Ben ends up making up for all of his mistakes with great gestures of love back. Despite questions over the year about whether he was truly committed or the time they caught him with a mystery woman (he denied anything happened), Big Ben always was there with flowers or Super Bowl rings to make things all better. The Steelers will always be wary, but now they feel like their relationship has turned a corner.
2) Developing linebackers. This could have been number one. This team loves to find linebackers who may need some coddling. They let them move in and slowly change their wardrobe and get them to brush and floss every day before showing them off to their friends. They are a lot like Annie Savoy, because once their loves get to be too big (expensive), they let them go. Their experience allows them to know what will eventually happen, but that won’t stop the nurturing.
1) J.J. Watt, DE. There were ten teams in the league that did not see the same things that the Texans saw in J.J. Watt. Before him, their defense was the studious kid who could not get the girl and usually stumbled over themselves when they tried to talk to the good-looking people. Now, the romance is in full swing. It’s new, alive and unpredictable. No one knows what will happen next, but the Texans cannot wait to find out.
2) Arian Foster, RB. He has become more high maintenance over time, but he is perfect because he can be trusted. Plus, he rewarded the team just for having their eye on him.
1) Andrew Luck, QB. This one is obvious. The team has experience with great quarterbacks. They knew one when they saw one.
2) Cap Space. After an ugly break-up when the team got concerned about whether their ex could perform, the team got depressed. Now, they have a new love and plenty of resources and time to find more love. They can even spend more than the next guy. This team won’t be giving out Miatas, they will be giving out Maybachs.
1) Covered Seats. Look, when things are bad, denial can be a powerful thing.
2) Front seven defensive players. This is a measure of the team’s stubbornness. They keep trying to find love in the wrong places, but they just won’t try something new.
1) Chris Johnson, RB. Johnson is hot and cold. Sometimes, management just does not know what they will get from him when he gets home from work. But, like the foreign car that only runs every now and then, he just looks so good. He shines in the driveway and is fun to parade around town. They had a chance to let him go recently, but they grabbed his arm at the front door and pulled him back.
1) Champ Bailey, DB. He is even more experienced than them. He is fun because management thought they knew a lot, but found that they could learn something new.
2) Peyton Manning, QB. They repaired him. They showed him love. They snuck him away on a vacation where Peyton found that he could give again. He healed. He lauded the team with the gift of a MVP-caliber season.
3) Von Miller, LB. He’s in his prime and he gives everything a team could possibly want. Sometimes, they just lean on their elbows and stare at his picture.
1) A new start. This team just met someone new and they think that the future can only get better.
2) Losing Dwayne Bowe. He broke their trust for the last time. Maybe they stuck around for too long. Maybe they were in denial. Either way, they have the confidence now to move forward without him bringing them down. Let’s see if they are right.
1) The 1970s. This team loves the 1970s. They throw swinger parties, love speed and always look pretty rough in their brown leather jackets. The world has progressed around them, but they live in their own niche. Unfortunately, their myopic world view won’t let them grow until they experience a shock to the system.
1) Living in San Diego. The team is in shambles. They got their new beginning, but they never really got that sad about their situation. They had some fish tacos, surfed in 85 degree weather and had a nice pale ale to make themselves feel better.
2) Antonio Gates. No matter what is happening in his life, they know that he is going to try and show up. He’s older and cannot provide like he used to, but nothing is going to threaten their relationship after so many years.
NFC portion will be up later today.