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As is our custom here at Football Pros, we like to have some fun with the NFL power rankings by throwing out a piece we call “Top 10… Bottom 5”. This article is our own irreverent spoof on the pointless exercise that is compiling a power rankings list. The rub of it is, we like to denigrate the validity of power rankings by creating our own set of--you guessed it-- POWER RANKINGS. Hey, as I always say…
And if you don’t believe that, then perhaps you’ll listen to Mr. Bob Ross.
No, not that guy… THIS GUY!!!
With the draft now more than a week into our rear-view mirror, and the first round of mini-camps now mostly complete, for the next few months, the NFL will be filled with nothing but soft clouds and happy little trees. What follows is my take on the actual current standing of many of our favorite NFL teams.
*Writer’s note- You’ll be hearing more from Bob Ross later (may he rest in peace.) Why, you may ask? Because I can…
**Editor’s note (I’m serving as both writer and editor of this article)- In a related story, this is the first (and likely last) time I’ll be allowed to put together a Top 10…Bottom 5. So I hope you all enjoy it. Or at the very least, I hope you all have tolerated it enough to get this far. And if you’ve tolerated it to this point, you may as well keep on reading the entire thing. Plus, there’s a comment section at the end where you can tell me exactly what you really think. Just don’t come after Bob Ross. He’ll haunt your dreams…
Top 10
1. Seattle Seahawks- The Champs are still loaded, and have earned the right to hold onto the #1 perch. But what makes them even better is that Russell Wilson should be playing with a clear mind now that he gets to escape each day without ever having to hear or utter that loaded question, “How was your day, honey?”
2. Green Bay Packers- A depleted Packers roster nearly beat SF in the playoffs. Just a guess, but Scott Tolzien, Matt Flynn, and Seneca Wallace don’t combine this year to start nearly half of their games. They’ve added defensive reinforcement, and Aaron Rodgers is healthy again. Look out.
3. San Francisco 49ers- If not for a lack of depth at Long Snapper, and igniting a QB controversy and divided locker room by signing Blaine Gabbert, I may have put the Niners at #1.
4. Denver Broncos- What we saw last year in the Super Bowl cannot be undone. Their FA signings feel desperate. I don’t think this is the best team in the AFC, but I’m not yet sure who is. Therefore, by default, the Broncos hold onto this spot. But their grip is weakening fast.
5. New England Patriots- Can you believe there are 3rd grade boys all across the New England region that weren’t yet born the last time the Patriots actually won a Super Bowl?
6. St. Louis Rams- You heard me! This exercise is a look ahead, not a look back. The Redskins did what they had to do to get RGIII (the right move, FTR), but the Rams haul may look 90s Cowboy-like in a few years. They may be 3rd in their division, making a playoff berth a challenge, but this is going to be one of the most dangerous teams in the NFL in 2014.
7. Pittsburgh Steelers- Homer pick? Sure. But they finished very strong, and wisely determined in the draft that the best way to fix a defense that ranked 30th in INTs is to first fix a defense that also finished only 25th in sacks. The streak of missing the playoffs will end at 2.
8. New Orleans Saints- Drew Brees enters the season looking for an incredible 4th straight 5000 yard season. To put that into some perspective, Brett Favre never had 3 straight 4000 yard seasons in his career. But the Saints no longer feel like a legit Super Bowl contender to me, mainly due to the fact that on the road, Brees saw his comp% drop by nearly 10 pts, YPA drop by nearly 2 ½, TDs cut by more than half, INTs tripled, and a subsequent rating more than 40 points less than at home. Their spot in the top 10 is tenuous at best.
9. Chicago Bears- The last team to allow as many yards rushing as the Bears allowed last year was the 2008 Lions (at least their shovel was sharp, and their will was outstanding). The last team to allow as many yards per carry was the 2006 Super Bowl Champion Indianapolis Colts. Both the Colts and Lions improved upon those numbers significantly the following season. As long as the Bears regress (or in this case, progress) to the mean, I expect they’ll be a playoff team this year.
10. Indianapolis Colts- I’ll take my chances since Andrew Luck is by far and away the best QB in the division. But as the AFC South gradually improves, how will the Colts respond?
Honorable Mention-
Baltimore Ravens- Mama always said, if I can’t say anything nice…
Arizona Cardinals- Remember when the Cardinals were in the NFC East? That serves as no consolation to them now…
Cincinnati Bengals- If I were ranking zoo animals, the Bengals would be near the top of the list. Bengal tigers are awesome.
Houston/Atlanta/Washington- At least two of these three teams are going to reclaim their role as a legit playoff contender.
Bottom 5 with analysis taken from actual quotes by the late, great Bob Ross, because, as Bob Ross would say “Water's like me. It's laaazy... Boy, it always looks for the easiest way to do things.” There’s nothing lazier than replacing actual analysis and research with random quotes from a semi-famous public access oil painter.
28. Carolina Panthers- “We don’t make mistakes, we just have happy accidents.” Your defending NFC South Division Champions!!!
29. Jacksonville Jaguars- “We want happy paintings. If you want sad things, watch (the Jacksonville Jaguars)…”
30. Minnesota Vikings- “Oh, that would make a nice place to fish. I like fishing, but I'm not a very good fisherman. I always throw the fish back into the water, just put a band-aid on his mouth, tap 'im on the patootie and let him on his way. And maybe some day, if I'm lucky, I'll get to catch him again.”
31. Oakland Raiders- “{The secret to doing anything is believing that you can do it. Anything that you believe you can do strong enough, you can do. Anything. As long as you believe.}” (even Bob Ross had a sick sense of humor)
32. Tennessee Titans- “We don’t know where it goes. We don’t really care.”
Dishonorable Mention-
Detroit Lions- "We want our checks and that's good enough for us. Winning isn't that important as long as we get our paycheck.” (oops… wrong Bob Ross)
NFC East- “Trees cover up a multitude of sins.”
Cleveland Browns- “Let's just blend this little rascal here, ha! Happy as we can be.”
Miami Dolphins- “Haha, and just beat the devil out of it.” (Ok, so that probably was a bit out of line)
Buffalo Bills- “Just scrape in a few indications of sticks and twigs and other little things in there. People will think you spend hours doing this.”
