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Your Team Sucks

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This is an article I wrote "Onion-style" and posted to my fantasy League page. You may feel free to copy it and do the same, should you find it amusing as those in my League did. NOTE: if you can post a picture with your article, it has the best effect to post a picture of a horrible looking person. I browsed criminal mugshots for the ugliest, silliest looking fat man I could find and posted his picture along with this article.

(REUTERS, New York, Sept. 17) -- Reports from several sources indicate that your team sucks. Among the reasons given for this are that you had a suck draft and that your suck players suck at their positions.

Also reported is that your best players won't do crap this week. Supporting evidence for this theory is shown in the fact that your team sucks, and because of this, experts believe that this suck will manifest itself by your suck players sucking.

It has been shown in studies that teams that suck lose more often than teams that do not suck. This newly released study also shows that My team is Great, while your team Sucks. The capital letters have been added and are not part of the original study.

Meanwhile, with your team sucking, it is expected that my team will reign superior in the league. It is the prediction of many experts, including Mr Steven Towling of Buffalo NY, who says, "if your team sucks, it's pretty likely you're going to lose." Mr Towling then went and cried in a bucket.

Because of the level of suck of your team, officials have closed down most entries into the area, other than for residents or others unfortunate enough to need to be anywhere in the general area of your team's suck.

Your team's suck grows at an exponential rate. It is expected that by 2021, your team's suck will actually have a gravitational pull and start affecting the orbit of the planet.

And now back to your regularly scheduled sucking.

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  1. DannyMilk's Avatar
    You forgot to tell "me" that I benched Ray Rice this week, because I suck haha...not bad, I love The Onion...there's a sports related one here in Chicago called "The Heckler" it, I think they have a website, and I think they do national sports now as well.