Commissioner Goodell, my name is Ian Freely. I’m a lab assistant here at the NFL division of Quest Medical.
Yes, Mr. Freely?
I have the results of the urine tests that you asked for, sir.
Good, good.
As you know, we’ve had some high profile substance abuse issues lately.
Yes sir.
Von Miller. Aldon Smith. Josh Gordon.
I read about those, yes sir.
So it’s vital that we carefully inspect the urine of every NFL player.
That’s all I’ve been doing for the past week, sir.
Good.
My next door neighbor is a professor of archeology at NYU. He commands respect from hundreds of brilliant students every day.
Me, I spent my week squinting at little cups of pee.
Focus, Mr. Freely.
Yes sir.
Did you find any traces of drugs in Pacman Jones’ urine sample?
It would be more accurate to say that we found some traces of urine in Pacman Jones’ drug sample.
Goddammit.
How about Vince Wilfork?
His sample was nearly 75% pure nacho cheese.
What did you find in Jay Cutler’s sample?
Enough nicotine to clog the mighty Mississippi River.
Colin Kaepernick?
We didn’t check his sample.
Why not?
When he tried to hand us the cup, Richard Sherman intercepted it.
Interesting.
Michael Vick?
A pretty bad case of kennel cough.
Tony Romo?
Equal parts apple juice, vodka, and sour apple schnapps.
Aren't those the ingredients for an appletini?
Yes. Yes they are.
Mark Sanchez?
Unfortunately we weren’t able to collect a usable sample from Mr. Sanchez.
Because?
He kept missing the cup.
Every time?
Zero-for-10 attempts.
Just out of curiosity, who cleaned up all that spilled pee?
That would be me, sir.
Sorry to hear that.
You know, when I was little, I used to dream of being an astronaut. Or a fireman. Something noble.
Focus, Mr. Freely.
Yes sir.
Justin Houston?
No drugs in his urine, through we did find chunks of the Eagles’ offensive line in his stool.
Eli Manning?
Fruit Roll-Ups and Cherry Kool-Aid.
Calvin Johnson?
High performance Mobil 10W-30.
Brandon Weeden?
Pure, concentrated sadness.
Mr. Freely?
Yes sir?
What’s your middle name?
Patrick, sir. After my paternal grandfather.
So your full name is… Ian Patrick Freely?
Yes sir.
Your name is I.P. Freely?
Huh. I never made that connection until now.
Ndamukong Suh?
Raw meat.
Sam Bradford?
You really don’t want to know, trust me.
J.J. Watt?
Dragon Blood.
Marshawn Lynch?
Skittle juice.
Peyton Manning?
When I looked through my microscope at Mr. Manning's urine, I saw dozens of teeny, tiny little advertisements for Direct TV.
Really?
You seem surprised.
I thought Papa John's had the exclusive licensing rights to sponsor Peyton's pee.
Bill Belichick?
An extraordinarily high count of negatively charged midi-chlorians.
Midi-chlorians?
Yes.
Like from Star Wars?
Yes.
The microbes that make up “the force?”
The “dark side” of the force in this case, yes sir.
So… you’re saying that Bill Belichick is a Jedi?
Of course not, sir. That would be silly.
Technically, he’s a Sith Lord.
All right. I think that’s all the info I can handle for today.
Commissioner Goodell?
Yes?
We also examined your pee too, sir.
Oh.
We found a large quantity of, um, "human growth hormone," sir.
Well, I don't actually play in the NFL, so that's not an issue.
It was very a very specific type of human growth hormone, sir.
Yes, thank you Mr. Freely.
Which is to say, it grows a very specific part of the human anatomy, sir.
That'll be all Mr. Freely.
Sir, you're taking enough Viagra to give Al Davis' corpse an erection.
THAT WILL BE ALL MR. FREELY.
Did you know that my mother tells her friends I'm a garbageman?
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